Private Meditation Lessons
by Tigan-Ada
Summary: Drabble of Leonardo tutoring Raphael in meditation. 2003 version


Private Meditation Lessons

By Tigan-Ada

I take a deep breath in and release.

Leo's already as still as a rock, his expression peacefully blank. …This isn't helping. I need a guide, a directive, but how does that work when doing nothing? This isn't getting fluent in Sensei's native tongue, be it verbal or written, and it's certainly not performing a kata – it's just… waiting until you get it right.

I shuffle and sigh, preparing myself for a long hour.

Leo opens an eye, looking over me as he thinks, "Here," he gets up and sits beside me, putting a hand to my shoulder, "Ignore everything else but the warmth of my hand."

And he closes his eyes, settling into his pose with his hand on my shoulder. Well, it feels annoying and invasive, but it could work. Mikey better not tumble in here, the little advantageous git, ruins everything.

I take a deep breath and shut my eyes. I feel his hand among _all else_ and my head buzzes with other interests against my will, other emotions that fluctuate at every inclination that so much as makes a peep inside my worn skull. I irritate myself sometimes.

I set my mouth into a firm frown and focus on Leo's hand. Focus… _focus_… I know how to do that… the crack of bone against the hammering of fists in the thick of mortal madness, everything in a brawl that gets my adrenaline pumping, fuelling my senses with focused clarity.

This couldn't be more removed… in fact I think I'm twitching?

And nothing's changing; my brain has switched into overdrive, rebelling against my self-imposed stillness, my chest conflicting with old dredged up grudges that have nothing to do with this.

I almost forget Leo's hand is there. I refocus but for no reason whatsoever my insides decide to feel worse… I don't like it – I don't like _this_. I _don't_ feel good.

And I'm still plainly aware of my surroundings, being slowly driven crazy by the tails of my mask as they lightly tickle the back of my neck. Bit by bit. Over and over…

And over and over we attempt these one hour lessons.

By the fourth day I think I wore my insides out because on the fifth I was… calm… and _that_ was relieving. On the sixth I fell asleep and toppled onto Leo; we both decided that's still a good sign of progress (and to never speak of it again).

On the seventh I was able to do a little of what I'm meant to do towards meditation. It took several weeks before that got any deeper… so of course I felt like I was absolute crap. And felt guilty for feeling that way – but assured myself that's not something to feel guilty over.

Then, _finally_, it suddenly occurred to me I can only feel Leo's hand, the world a formless black and my head so still and empty; the realisation broke the spell but made me feel better all the same.

I couldn't get it the next day… which troubled me on the next…

And then the one after that didn't work again.

But it's the one _after_ the one after that which made me discontinue the lessons altogether. I just got a little freaked out and have never sat by Leo during Master Splinter's sessions again…

…

And of course you want to hear it. Ugh…

So here's what happened:

I meditated. I let go of everything and just… felt myself floating in a heavy body, effortlessly, thoughtlessly. Everything was turned off; my sense of sight, smell, hearing, balance, pain, touch… time. I enjoyed the complete silence, and for the first time truly beginning to understand why Sensei does it so often.

That's when I felt a cold enigma lurking on my shoulder, but… it _felt_ warm; warmth that seemed to be carving a permanent hold into my being. It wasn't my flesh being bitten in to, it was my _being_.

A part of me reasoned it's only Leo… only his hand… that my brain is starting to maybe dream…

But it didn't take long until primal fear lanced through me – the sort I've learned to always trust. This thing wasn't supposed to be here, was NOT allowed to make me an extension of itself-!

I jerked from my trance, pulling away from Leo.

I blinked up at his face, expecting to see him confused or hurt; what I saw resolved me to rush out the door with never an explanation on my lips. He had the very real fading look of a predator.


End file.
